Thursday, January 31, 2013

on graduating sixth grade, i guess.

via here.
i was recently reading some snark on the internet, and came across an author lambasting someone for throwing a party for her daughter's sixth-grade graduation, "because that's a thing."
but people - it is a thing.
where i grew up, sixth grade was when you left elementary school and went on to middle school. we had a big assembly, they made us t-shirts with our graduating year printed really big on them and it had all of our signatures on it. i think they played pomp and circumstance?
oh, it was most definitely thing (although, to be fair, my parents didn't throw me a party. it was a thing but not that big of a thing).
and so, for me at least, i left the only school i had ever known. i went from the itty bitty age of five to the huge age of eleven in that building. the teachers in that building had known me for the majority of my life (yes, at one point, six years was the majority of my life). and then i went to a whole new school. in a new town. with new teachers. and hundreds of students, all my age. i mean, that is some scary shit right there. life gets real, real quick, when you leave the sixth grade. you start to understand the word "change"in a whole new way.
and so, middle school. can we just, for a minute, talk minute school? damn. i mean, one day i'm one of, let's say sixty eleven-year-olds, and there's five-year-olds and eight-year-olds, playgrounds, snacks. and all of a sudden you walk into a new school where boys pants sag and bells ring and people pass notes and you have a locker and omg some people your age even smoke! cigarettes!
and the tits. boy oh boy, let's not forget those. they. are. everywhere. did you know some people are a c-cup in seventh grade? i know. i saw it with my own two eyes. girls are wearing v-neck shirts and push-up bras and cleavage lines are out the wazoo. if someone asked me to sum up middle school in word, it would be:
everywhere. all the time. everywhere i looked, except when i looked straight down, naturally.
and to top this all off - all these new kids with new smells and strange hair gels and revealing clothing and painfully obvious different life goals than the ones i was setting - to make it worse, someone comes up with the brilliant idea of making us all change in front of one another every day. i mean, what sick bastard thought of that.
"hey - i know - let's take kids whose bodies are totally changing and on the edge of betrayal at any given moment (i'm looking at you boners), and have them strip down to their skivvies in front of each other. i think they'll really love it and feel totally comfortable with it."
the fuck?! who on god's green earth thought of this? disgusting. i mean, can you imagine being a boy in middle school? don't stand up too fast or look down the hallway suddenly or speak up in class. you are constantly on the verge of getting a boner or having your voice crack. constantly! it's like living with a terrorist in your body - always on guard! red alert at all times!
although, i will say this last thing about the tits: in all of that changing and undressing and redressing i came to realize that many a tit was helped by many a foam pad. and i felt a little bit better about what i was (not) working with. perhaps those sickos realized that to equalize us, to make us see that underneath it all we were really quite similar with insecurities and victories alike, they had to get us in our underwear. kind of like prison guards, or a dictator. because after all that, after seeing how it all shakes out, after knowing that the prettiest girl in school also just got stretch marks on her thighs in seventh (thanks for that one world!), i can sum up middle school in a few more choice words:
tits. or at the very least, the appearance of tits.
so yes. i guess what i'm trying to say is that graduating from sixth grade is a thing. it is very much a thing.


  1. This cracked me up. Ugh, what a time middle school is. I do NOT ever want to go back. And 6th grade graduation is totally a real thing!

    1. yes - thank you! and middle school - what a random two years of our lives filled with so much delicious awkwardness.

  2. OMG Colleen...HAHAHAHAHA that is great! Boners and Tits...but really! And I was definitely in the (not) working with category...but damn that Victoria with all her secrets! I guess I just discovered her too late...I was too busy wearing training bras from Limited Too. 6th grade graduation...a time of self discovery and moving on to more boners and tits.


    Erin @

    1. oh god - training bras! i totally forgot about those. and who on earth came up with that title. ugh.

  3. Wow. What a horrific time of life. I've tried to block the memories out. Kids really should get a party for surviving that.

  4. Those were the terrible years of school - I don't understand why people people need to relive that period through movies and books. Shudder. Of course for me, middle school started AT sixth grade so that sucked...

    1. oh geez, so you had another year of it. that definitely does suck.

  5. Oh gosh Colleen, this post made me remember everything I hated and loved about high school (we join high school after grade 7 in South Africa). I came from a convent junior school straight into high school where my sister was in her final year and was able to do pretty much anything she wanted to me (did you have initiation in high school?) - think walking around with a pet rock whose life story you had to know off by heart, a name board the size of a small country with all manner of embarrassing photos and an initiation ceremony which included my sister egging me and pouring sand down my pants. Good times. Graduating junior school is definitely a thing.

    1. oh my gosh, no! initiation? eggs and sand down the pants?! you poor thing. i hope your sister feels truly sorry for all of that. although at least you had your pet rock to keep you company ;)


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