Friday, May 9, 2014

on six months.

what a week! this one has been one of my busiest at work. yet i have so many things to tell you and share, so next week will definitely be a catch-up week. however, i wanted to post this today because it won't work any other day. because six months ago today brian and i got married (and yes, after catch-up week will be wedding picture week. get excited.) i don't have any advice or insight about marriage - we're only six months in. but i've been thinking about it this week, and happened to come across this article and this article (to note, that first article is one of the best things i have ever read. i really, really suggest you read it). these are not fun articles - they will make you cry, maybe tear up. but they got me thinking, particularly leading up to today.
i'm at a point in my life (honestly, i'm always at this point, everyone is always at this point, what else is new) where i am wondering what's next: career, babies, location. dinner sometimes slips in there. these are all big decisions, all nerve wracking, all exciting. but when i sit down and really ask myself - what is the one thing i truly, desperately want from life - when i narrow it all down, it comes to this: i want to live my life with brian by my side. we can lose our jobs, we can scrape by, we can move to iowa, we can be infertile. i will take a number of hardships for this one desire. because everything is easier to shoulder, i have found there is still a little joy to be found, if this one thing is true. and yes, my readers in iowa, living where you live would be a hardship for me (and i'm sure you think that way about new york (sh)ity). because in all this haze of what-ifs tumbling around my head, i can see 30 (hah! just a few months!), 40, maybe even 50. glimpses here and there. ideas of what it might be. i can't see 80. or 90. i can't see early onset alzheimer's. or breast cancer. i can't really see the death of a parent. or my friends getting sick. or, worse, a child getting sick. i can't really see those burdens, but i'm aware that they are there, that they are possible. because when we say until death do us part, when we say in sickness or in health, when we stand there in our joyful, blissed out naivete and pledge something we can't really wrap our minds around, life doesn't always pledge it blissfully along with us. and the realizing of those vows, the reality of them, we can't really understand - we can't understand how it will change us, how it will challenge us, how it will shape us. we only know now. and how happy, and easy, and fun it is. i don't know what i would do if brian got sick, or hurt, or worse. i honestly don't. i mean - sure, i know i'd still be by his side, a constant - but i don't really know what i would do, how i would conduct myself, how i would feel. but i do know i will always have these days, these first few years, to look back on and hold onto and cherish when life finally decides i can't have my one wish. so i'm going to make them as fun as i can, as joyful as i can, as blissful as i can. i won't ask a lot from them, i just simply ask them to be.
i hope our future is long, i hope it is healthy, i hope our vows are kind to us - i hope, hope, hope. but i know i will always have these precious, short, careless days to sustain me. and that will - must, even - be enough.

10 comments:

  1. This was absolutely beautiful Colleen. There is so much wisdom in your words. These past five months have been some of the toughest Kevin and I have ever faced and yet we've never felt closer, he has been the sole thing that has sustained me through all this turmoil and he is the greatest gift I have ever received. I have no doubt that there are many wonderful things in store for you!! xoxo

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    1. thank you so much Tatiana! your comment made me tear up - longer marriages filled with support and love and sustenance really inspire me. I hope these next few not ha and getting ready for baby are easier for you both, but through it all it's so comforting to know you have one another.

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  2. Beautiful, Colleen! There's so much unknown in life, but it's so much better going into the unknown with someone you love by your side. I'm in awe of your love, and I cannot wait to see more wedding pictures (because I've been waiting SIX MONTHS for them...Instagram has not been enough!). You guys are beautiful. Love you!

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    1. alex - thank you so much! your comment made me tear up. from the heart, love it.

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  3. Loved. this. post. Also that first article did actually bring me to tears. It is so, so important to appreciate what we have, because nothing in this life is guaranteed to last forever. In fact, most things are guaranteed NOT to. Thanks for this reminder. Brian is a lucky man to have such a loving, loyal wife.

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    1. i know - that first article really resonated with me. reading it at work was not the best decision haha :) thank you so much for what you said too - a lot of what you have written about marriage inspires me, so it means a lot coming from you.

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  4. When I saw on instagram last Friday that it was your six month anniversary I got so excited because I knew more wedding pictures were coming! Can't wait until wedding week! :)

    I loved what you said about deep down what you want is to just live with Brian by your side. I feel the same way about Caleb, and I feel so incredibly grateful that I've found a love like ours. So thankful you + Brian share that as well!

    Also, those articles! I read them at work on Friday, and I've thought about them often since. Such powerful words and they really made me stop and think about how precious life is.

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    1. thank you so much! i have loved getting to know you and caleb's marriage through your writing over the years and you are definitely an inspiration to me - so glad we have found these wonderful men to share our lives with. and yes to those articles - they really made me think and take stock of this time, particularly when it had already been on my mind this week.

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  5. Congratulations on 6 months!! Wedding week! Hooray!

    Your words are beautiful (as always). You really have your eye on what is important and I hope you and Brian can share so many great years of happiness!

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    1. thank you so much melissa! so kind of you to say about my writing!

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