what a week! this one has been one of my busiest at work. yet i have so many things to tell you and share, so next week will definitely be a catch-up week. however, i wanted to post this today because it won't work any other day. because six months ago today brian and i got married (and yes, after catch-up week will be wedding picture week. get excited.) i don't have any advice or insight about marriage - we're only six months in. but i've been thinking about it this week, and happened to come across this article and this article (to note, that first article is one of the best things i have ever read. i really, really suggest you read it). these are not fun articles - they will make you cry, maybe tear up. but they got me thinking, particularly leading up to today.
i'm at a point in my life (honestly, i'm always at this point, everyone is always at this point, what else is new) where i am wondering what's next: career, babies, location. dinner sometimes slips in there. these are all big decisions, all nerve wracking, all exciting. but when i sit down and really ask myself - what is the one thing i truly, desperately want from life - when i narrow it all down, it comes to this: i want to live my life with brian by my side. we can lose our jobs, we can scrape by, we can move to iowa, we can be infertile. i will take a number of hardships for this one desire. because everything is easier to shoulder, i have found there is still a little joy to be found, if this one thing is true. and yes, my readers in iowa, living where you live would be a hardship for me (and i'm sure you think that way about new york (sh)ity). because in all this haze of what-ifs tumbling around my head, i can see 30 (hah! just a few months!), 40, maybe even 50. glimpses here and there. ideas of what it might be. i can't see 80. or 90. i can't see early onset alzheimer's. or breast cancer. i can't really see the death of a parent. or my friends getting sick. or, worse, a child getting sick. i can't really see those burdens, but i'm aware that they are there, that they are possible. because when we say until death do us part, when we say in sickness or in health, when we stand there in our joyful, blissed out naivete and pledge something we can't really wrap our minds around, life doesn't always pledge it blissfully along with us. and the realizing of those vows, the reality of them, we can't really understand - we can't understand how it will change us, how it will challenge us, how it will shape us. we only know now. and how happy, and easy, and fun it is. i don't know what i would do if brian got sick, or hurt, or worse. i honestly don't. i mean - sure, i know i'd still be by his side, a constant - but i don't really know what i would do, how i would conduct myself, how i would feel. but i do know i will always have these days, these first few years, to look back on and hold onto and cherish when life finally decides i can't have my one wish. so i'm going to make them as fun as i can, as joyful as i can, as blissful as i can. i won't ask a lot from them, i just simply ask them to be.
i hope our future is long, i hope it is healthy, i hope our vows are kind to us - i hope, hope, hope. but i know i will always have these precious, short, careless days to sustain me. and that will - must, even - be enough.